


jiho hates going home

by meirkuna



Category: Block B
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Kissing, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mild Smut, Post-Break Up, Slight fluff, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:02:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23179663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meirkuna/pseuds/meirkuna
Summary: Everyone is human, so therefore everyone makes mistakes. Jiho made two mistakes; cheating on Taeil and in his haste forgetting to tell him about the fact that he was leaving Seoul.
Relationships: Lee Taeil/Woo Jiho | Zico
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	jiho hates going home

**Author's Note:**

> -I’ve had this idea in my drafts for a very long time and it didn’t actually go the way I had envisioned. After scrapping it too many times and writing it here and there I have used my extended spring break time and being free from work to write as much as possible, hence this.
> 
> -there may be like errors btw (//∇//)

**JIHO; PRESENT**

Jiho hates going home. it's not even a home, in all honesty, it's just this absurd amount of furnished space and if he were to come home one day to see it burned down to the ground and nothing but ash and dirt, he'd probably—most definitely—jump with joy.

There's just something about this condo that makes him feel empty and hollow. Maybe it's the fact that it lacks the warmth that houses do. When you walk into someone's house, right off the bat you can tell it's lived in. It's warm, roomy, homey even. Jiho's house is just cold, cold, cold. He has no sort of connection to it like how most people do to their own homes and valuables.

Although, if Jiho had just listened to Yukwon about breaking Taeil's heart, he probably wouldn't have gotten himself into this mess. Instead, he wanted to be some cocky bastard and in the end, regretted everything. The fact that Yukwon told him multiple times to go slow with Taeil and treat him right was insane. It was like a daily reminder that Jiho couldn't get rid of. And it's not like Jiho wasn't good to Taeil in the beginning. He likes to think he was, and then he can very vividly see just exactly when things went downhill. It's like when you're at the very tippy-top of a rollercoaster about to go down and you can see everything from up there. It's like when you know the cars have started to groan and creak that you're going to fall to your doom.

Ultimately you don't die, but at the end of Jiho's roller coaster, it felt like he did.

**JIHO; FIRST**

Jiho spots him from across the room and that movie thing happens. It's like there's a spotlight on this boy, and he's all Jiho can see. He goes deaf in both ears, tuning out Kyung who's talking into his ear loudly and the music sending vibrations through his feet. All he can see right now is the pretty boy dancing as if no one is watching like no one is watching. He doesn't give two shits about who looks at him or who stares and it shows.

Jiho can't stop looking at him. He's dressed in this revealing v neck shirt that's tight, jeans that are even tighter if that's possible. Tattoos litter his body everywhere as if he was a blank canvas and they were just art. His eyes trail over his body, looking at every piece of inked skin as if to just memorize it. Jiho watches him dance, completely lost in the movement of the other boy's body.

For a second, Jiho swears they make eye contact through the somewhat dark club and neon lights. It makes his knees go weak and sends a shiver up his spine.

"JIHO!!" Yukwon yells, making Jiho jump.

"WHAT?!" He yells back, slowly getting quieter when he sees the look on Yukwon and Kyung's faces. "Shut up," He says before any of them can say anything or come to any sort of conclusion. Jiho was just admiring him. Just like when you go to art museums to admire art. You look from far away because you can't touch them. You have to stay behind a certain line.

"His name is Taeil," Yukwon says, which makes Jiho burn.

"Dress pretty," is the first thing Yukwon says when Jiho picks up the phone.

"For what?" He asks, slipping out of bed.

"We're going somewhere," Yukwon says and Jiho doesn't like how secretive he's being. He pauses midway putting some jeans on when he says; "Taeil is going to be there." Jiho cocks his head, not remembering if he's ever heard of someone named Taeil before.

"And why should I dress pretty?" Jiho asks. "We're just hanging outright?" Yukwon is silent for a minute before he says, "Dress pretty" one more time before promptly hanging up. It causes Jiho to stare at his phone for a minute, admiring the time and his lock screen before tossing it to the bed. He looks at himself in the sliding door of his mirror closet. Although he's only in some underwear and jeans, Jiho decides to change the jeans for some black ones that are a little bit too ripped—especially on the thighs and knees but Jiho can only shrug. There's nothing he can do about that now.

He slides on a white long-sleeved shirt that's thin and won't absorb the heat, and touches upon his hair. He does little to it but towel dries it and runs his hands through it a bit. The familiar tune has him traveling out of his bathroom to pick up his phone. He rolls his eyes, not surprised that Yukwon has called him yet again in the span of ten minutes. "Are you ready yet?" And Jiho has to scoff.

"You think I'll be able to look good in less than ten minutes?" He asks, bustling back to the bathroom. He sets the phone down after putting it on speaker and resumes spraying on a mixture of his favorite perfume and cologne. The combination of these two always brought something that made Jiho feel warm inside. It was the kind of scent that seemed too strong, but it had gentle, sweet undertones to it that softened it a bit. However he found out the combination, he's grateful for it.

"I dunno, you could if you tried," Yukwon says distractedly, yelling at someone in the distance.

"Welp," Jiho huffs as he exits the bathroom to decide what shoes to wear. "I didn't try too hard, don't get your hopes up." He says as he chooses the slightly battered Balenciaga's.

Yukwon snorts from behind the line. "whatever listen Jiho we're outside! So hurry up." The line disconnects. Jiho is thankful that he lives on the ground floor, because leaving to meet up with his inpatient friends is always quick, and there's no hassle. He doesn't have to worry about broken elevators, taking stairs, or lugging his groceries up multiple floors. The best thing is? His apartment is big, spacious, comfortable and way, way more affordable. Jiho spots the familiar black Audi that Kyung drives with its dark tinted windows and black rims. He heads for the backseat almost instantly, sliding in with a smooth "hey".

He's about to buckle up when he notices someone else sitting on the other side of the car. _maybe this is why he said to dress pretty_ Today, he's covered up, only his neck and hand tattoos are exposed. His sleeves slide down his arm as he lifts his hand to wave at Jiho. He can feel his throat closing up, going dry because the proximity is closer than Jiho could've ever imagined. Don't get me wrong, Jiho is handsome, well rounded, but this guy right next to him, he's hot, burning like the sun and Jiho cannot compare.

"Hey, I'm Taeil." He says, eyes closing as he smiles. I so cute it makes Jiho want to cry. Just look at Taeil has seemed to put him in a trance. His lips hang parted in shock and amusement, and he can't even bring his hand up to wave back.

With a nod of his head, he introduces himself. "I'm Jiho." He says hoarsely, coughing when Kyung snorts at him from the front. Jiho finally shifts his attention away from Taeil as he's pretty sure he's looked at Taeil enough to memorize his outfit already—mustard yellow hoodie, light-washed jeans, obscenely white shoes—it does nothing to stop him from taking continuous peaks at him though. His eyes drag up his face, and he watches, stunned, as he pulls some chapstick out from his pocket and applies it to his cherry red lips. He uses his left hand to push up the glasses sitting on his nose at the same time and Jiho thinks he's done. Over with. Capiche.

This is the guy from the club who made Jiho's knees weak about a couple of weeks ago, and here he was making his knees weak again. (And he's sitting down)

"Jiho? Jiho! Are you even listening?" Yukwon asks as he turns to look at Jiho. He snaps out of his reverie, sneaking another quick peek at Taeil before he _really_ looked away from Taeil. This is the Taeil is friends keep talking about. He's the reason why they said to dress pretty. Something swells in his heart that his friends were a little bit considerate, but now Jiho feels slightly drab in his simplistic outfit.

"Yeah? But we established that already??" Taeil says sending him the questionable look.

"No, I, uhm—they just talk... about you a lot..."Jiho shuts up, sits back in his seat and folds his hands in his lap as Kyung and Yukwon burst into a type of laughter that Jiho can only associate as mocking.

"As we were saying, the mall? Amusement park? We could hang out at your house Taeil? I don't know it's up to you since you're paying," Kyung says shrugging as he slides back into his seat and acing the front.

"I like the amusement park idea. We can go on some rides, walk around, and then we can order something at my place. Sounds good?"

"Yup!"

At the time, Jiho thought it was a good idea, you know? What better way to get to know someone as you watch them scream at the top of their lungs from 300 feet above the ground? Or you know, watch them gush over a giant Snorlax plushie that's bigger than them. That was probably the highlight of Jiho's day; a gateway that just let things get better and better and better. Taeil looked so unbelievably cute when he pouted about wanting that plush. He had played the game, spent about fifty dollars and still had no luck. Yukwon and Kyung had wandered around the area playing other types of games while Taeil continued to waste his money on getting the giant Pokémon plush.

"Would you uh—how about I try?" Jiho proposes, reaching out to stop Taeil from taking another five out of his wallet.

"Well if I can't get it what makes you think you can?" Taeil says aggressively in a pout. Taeil takes his hand back from Jiho after there was too long a pause and pulls the five out. Before he can hand it to the man I side the booth Jiho snatches it out of his hands and holds it high above his head.

"Let me try," Jiho says watching as Taeil huffs, his cheeks gaining a light dusting of rouge. Jiho hands the money to the man and he receives the three rings he needs to throw at the neck of the bottles. Jiho sighs heavily, knowing that he doesn't have that great of aim. He ignores the same speech he's been hearing for the past 20 minutes to turn to Taeil with a wide open-mouthed smile. "Don't get your hopes up."

Unbeknownst to him, he won it. When the lights went all rainbow-colored and fun carnival music started to play Jiho was utterly confused until he saw Taeil jumping up and down with such happiness that it made Jiho feel a little warm inside and caused a smile spread across his lips. "The Snorlax plushie please!" He exclaims a giddy with a huge smile spread across his face. It takes the guy a bit to take it down, and the second he hands it over to Taeil the shorter man positively squeals with delight. Lying and Yukwon are slowly making their way over at the commotion, just in time to see Taeil jump up to hug Jiho tight.

That was probably another highlight of his day, that hug. Taeil was warm, in a way that wasn't uncomfortable despite the sweltering heat. His arms wrapped around his neck, hand hanging the plush behind his back so it wouldn't get in his way. Jiho hesitantly wrapped his arms around Taeil awkwardly. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" He squealed, causing Jiho to wince.

"Your welcome, I guess." He says, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment when Taeil let go. "It's not a big deal," he says, voice slightly strained. "I need to go to the bathroom I'll be right back." Jiho's cheeks are flushed red as he slowly walks away, too consumed in... _Taeil_ that he hadn't even noticed the growing tightness in his pants.

_How the fuck do you get hard from just a hug??_

Once in the bathroom, Jiho washes his hands and thinks about happy things, things that would hopefully make him go soft. "Babies think about babies," he whispers to himself, the bulge in his pants slowly going down. Jiho continues to wash his hands, replacing the soap when it goes away each time. Finally satisfied and not hard anymore—god that was embarrassing he hopes Taeil couldn't feel it— Jiho dries just hands with the electric drier.

"Jiho," He stiffens when he feels a hand on his shoulder, slowly turns around to see Taeil beaming up at him with a smile that could split his face in two.

"D-do y-you n-need t-to u-use t-the bathroom t-too?" He asks, trying to be and sound as nonchalant as possible.

"No, did you get _that_ taken care of?" He says innocently, raking his eyes down Jiho's body before making eye contact with him. There he goes, getting hard all over again. Jiho doesn't know why. Maybe it's because of how cute Taeil looks? Or because he's been crushing on him since the day at the club and he can't see how those two completely different sides could belong to one person.

"I-uh what?"

"You know..." Taeil says, coming closer to Jiho. It makes his heart race. He averts his eyes to the ground, trying his hardest to not look at Taeil. "That little problem you had..." his hands rest on Jiho's shoulders as he leans forward to whisper in his ear. "Down...there." He says, one hand trailing down Jiho's body to rest at his hip.

Jiho would say that was another highlight of his day, the way his stomach tightened and fluttered with butterflies. It was something he had never felt up until that day.

"There was no problem—"

"You got hard didn't you?"

Taeil takes Jiho's silence as a yes. He smirks, causing Jiho's chest to tighten before he leans up to envelope his lips in a kiss. For a while, nobody moves. They stand like that for awhile pressed up against each other, feeling the way their lips rest against each other. Jiho makes the first move, tilting his head and opening his mouth to press an open-mouthed kiss to his lips. Taeil responds in kind, fervently kissing Jiho back. His hands wander down his body and to the hem of Taeil's sweater. He bunches it up slightly before sliding his hands underneath to rest and Taeil's sides. He shudders visibly in Jiho's hands, lets out a soft moan against Jiho's lips before pulling away.

"Your hands are cold." He says, voice barely above a whisper.

"Sorry," Jiho whispers back, not sounding sorry at all. He leans down to kiss Taeil again, hands wandering up his shirt and back down again. Taeil's hands find purchase in his dark hair, tugging on the locks when Jiho's hands wander down his backside to firmly cup his ass. The shorter boy moans against Jiho's lips allowing him to slide his tongue into the other's mouth. He then pushes Taeil up against the wall, knee sliding in-between Taeil's legs to part them.

"We're in public," Taeil says breathlessly as Jiho begins to trail kisses down his neck, nibbling and sucking here and there. He doesn't respond, too focused on producing a hickey right at the juncture of Taeil's neck.

"So?" Jiho responds, tongue poking out to soothe the reddening area.

"Kyung and Yukwon are outside waiting." Jiho freezes, feeling like a bucket of cold water has been dumped on him.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about them."

**JIHO; MOVING IN DAY**

Jiho watches as his boyfriend flutters around the empty condo they had just bought. Today was the day they were going to be moving in, and they decided to come early before the movers. Taeil's eyes are blown wide, and there are stars in them that make it so hard for Jiho to look away from him. "Isn't it beautiful?" He asks as he opens the big bedroom door with dark wood floors. "Gosh, I could cry!" He gushes, turning around to look at Jiho with a gigantic smile on his face. Jiho chuckles ruffles his hair and returns the smile the best he can.

"It is beautiful." He replies. "And it's ours, even better huh?" He says, wrapping his arms around Taeil's neck. The other nods, gives him a few short pecks, before pulling away.

"I'm really happy with you Jiho," Taeil says, a rosy blush appearing on his cheeks. Jiho's heart beats erratically.

"I'm really happy with you too Taeil." He says. Taeil's smile gets even wider of that's possible, and Jiho just wishes Taeil's face could be that bright and he could be happy forever. Knowing that he'll be the cause of Taeil's sadness hurts him, but at least he's going, to be honest. At least Taeil will know the truth soon even if he doesn't like it.

**JIHO; THE DAY BEFORE THE BREAK-UP**

Jiho knows that this is something Taeil needs to know. He fucked up so, so bad, yet he can't seem to even bring it out from the corner of his mind. He can't even seem to put it into words. What's the best way to say something like this that'll do reduce the number of tears that would inevitably spill from Taeil's onyx orbs?

Jiho sighs in frustration, feeling like he could beat his head against the wall or even suffocate himself with the throw pillow in his arms. He swings it up and presses onto his face, squeezing his eyes shut he sees those swirly things in his vision. "Jiho?" He tenses up at the sweet melodic voice calling his name. He doesn't even move, not even when the bed dips and then there are legs wrapping around his torso. "Jiho babe? Move the pillow from your face I wanna see you," Taeil says. Jiho still doesn't move, not even when Taeil tries to grab the pillow and they somehow start wrestling over it.

"Is something wrong?" Taeil asks, huffing in annoyance. Jiho shakes his head no from behind the pillow—although there are about a lot of things wrong. A million things. A TRILLION things that are piling up on Jiho so hard he is about to simultaneously combust having to keep it all in. It hurts so bad. He desperately wants to tell Taeil everything, beg him to stay and hope that how understanding his boyfriend is will have some sort of impact on how he'll feel about the situation.

"Can I atleast see your face?" Jiho is so close to just screaming into the pillow. He feels so, so fucking guilty. He IS guilty, but the amount of discomfort and hurt he feels because of it will probably never go away. Having to hide this from Taeil is eating away at him. Slowly, Jiho takes the pillow from his face.

"There we go," Taeil says with a bright, open-mouthed smile. Jiho returns it with a weak smile, and Taeil presses his lips to Jiho's with a great amount of gentleness. It makes Jiho feel weak, there's butterflies in his stomach and sends shivers down his spine. Taeil is so....gorgeous. "You gonna tell me why you were hiding from me?" Taeil asks, now laying down onto of Jiho. The other wraps an arm around his waist and lifts his neck for Taeil's hands to wrap around his neck.

"I wasn't hiding," Jiho says, voice slightly muffled because of him burying his face into Taeil's neck. They sit like this for a while, all quiet and domestic, and Jiho hopes that if Taeil notices his racing heart, he doesn't say anything.

**JIHO; THE DAY OF THE BREAK- UP**

"You're so fucking gorgeous," he mutters in between breaths, kissing Taeil's neck sweetly. Underneath the moonlight, his skin glows a ghastly pale. His whole body is glistening with a thin layer of sweat, and his lips are a shiny ruby red from all the kissing and sucking and biting. Jiho is uncharacteristically soft and gentle with Taeil. He takes his time, presses kisses to evenly nook and cranny on his skin. His hands hold his waist gently, but firm, and he kisses Taeil so slow and hard that his jaw physically hurts and his lungs burn.

But it doesn't matter.

Tonight, Jiho just wants one last time to be this close to Taeil. He wants to wake up to butterfly kisses and warm, honey-filled pools staring into him. He wants to wake up and have Taeil by his side still. He wants to have the ability to hold onto Taeil and never let go through the night once more. He wants to kiss Taeil like there is no tomorrow because surely after this there won't be.

Jiho knows it's selfish, he shouldn't be fulfilling his needs one last time because he's scared to let Taeil go. But because he's scared, he's doing all these things. He wants to remember Taeil, mémorise everything about him like the back of his hand. He wants to be able to blink and see a clear image of Taeil smiling at him all cheekily like he always does. After tonight, later on in the morning, he knows, knows, that it'll be the last time he gets to be like this with him. Can't he enjoy it one last time?

Taeil mewls underneath him, back arching as he keeps his arms wrapped around Jiho's neck. They're pressed tightly together like this, one of Jiho's hands sliding up to hold him right underneath his ribcage. "J-Jiho," he stutters, and Jiho knows he's unbelievably close. His walls are clenching tightly around him, his moaning has gotten louder and more erratic, and he's left crescent moon indents in his shoulders along with the deep scratches on his back.

"It's.. ngh, too much." Taeil moans, falling back to the bed and squeezing the bedsheets into his bawled up fists.

"Just wait, you got this," Jiho says rather breathlessly. He bends down to kiss Taeil sweetly, nipping at his bottom lips and giving him gentle pecks before pulling away. His breath is completely gone when he sees how wrecked Taeil is, and he finds himself inching closer as well. He takes hold of Taeil's dick and strokes him thumb tugging at the slit and soon he's coming hard with a loud cry, eyes squeezing shut.

"Fuck~" he moans, his cum painting his torso in strings of white, sticky liquid. "Fuck, fuck fuck," he grunts, the overstimulation way too much as Jiho continues to chase his own high. He climaxes with a grunt, spilling his load inside of the condom. When Jiho opens his eyes, he freezes. Taeil has brought a hand up to his face, covering his eyes and tears are streaming down his face.

"Babe, did I hurt you?" Jiho asks, hands coming up to cup Taeil's face. He tries to pry the hands of the other off his face, and he's met with puffy, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "Was I too rough today? I'm sorry, I thought I was being gentle." He kisses Taeils face the same way the other does with him, and for the first time, Taeil pushes him away.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out? What you did?" Taeil says as he tries to catch his breath. Jiho's heart stops, his mouth drops open and he stutters trying to find the right words to say. How could Taeil possibly know? He was so sneaky with it, it was practically impossible for him to find out. So how did he?

"I- what do you mean?" He says, pulling out and tying the condom into a knot. At the same time, Taeil covers himself with the blanket as he crawls out of the bed on shaky legs. He's trying to put as much distance between him and Jiho as he can.

"How could you do this to me Jiho?" Taeil cries, voice warbling with so much emotion Jiho wishes it would just go away. Taeil should never have to feel pain, and the fact that it was he who caused it, shatters his heart. "Are you this gentle with Kyung too?!" He yells, tears streaming down his face and collecting on his collarbones like pools. Jiho freezes, completely unsure of how he had found out. His mouth gapes open and closed, and he's silent for what seems like forever. That's all Taeil needs to confirm it, his bottom lip quivers before he pulls it in between his teeth.

"Taeil-" he tries to say, his voice coming out weak and barely there.

"Or maybe he's this gentle to you. Do you like the way he makes you feel? So much that you have to go out and fuck my best friend?" Taeil's words don't match his tone. His voice is soft, soothing, melodic. If he wasn't piss angry at Jiho he would probably say something about how nice it sounds. At this point, Jiho knows there's nothing he could say that would make Taeil any less mad. "Do you have nothing to say??" He says after a while, wiping the tears running hot down his cheeks.

"I love you Taeil!" He exclaims, causing the older to snort and roll his eyes. "I promise you I do. I'd be lost without you. You've helped me with so many things, you've always been by my side. I'd do anything you want Taeil, just to make you happy." God, he wishes he could tell Taeil how much he means to him without it sounding like he's sugarcoating things. Taeil laughs, a loud, fake laugh that gets caught in his throat by a sob. He shakes his head, a hand coming up to cover his mouth as he squeezes his eyes shut. Jiho pulls on his sweats as fast as he can and makes his way to his boyfriend to comfort him.

Taeil flinches, puts his arm out to stop Jiho from getting any closer. "Not even sorry? Are you not s-sorry?" He clutches tighter onto the blanket covering his body. Jiho's lips open but the words don't come out. "You're fucking funny Jiho." Taeil sneers, picking up his clothes strewn about the room. "You know what makes this even better?" Taeil says sarcastically, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. "Answer me Jiho."

"No!" He exclaims, hands coming up to clamp his mouth shut. "I, I don't know." He stutters.

"Kyung told me that you're leaving for the states in less than a week."

Jiho's heart sinks. In all his haste to try and figure out how to tell Taeil about what he did with Kyung, he neglected to tell Taeil that he was going to be leaving soon. When the idea was proposed to him by a friend who was also a producer, he had no idea what to do. On one hand, it would be an amazing jumpstart to his career. He wouldn't mind learning English full time, being in a completely new area surrounded by new things. It would be fun to get to experience all the things the United States has to offer. But on the other hand, Jiho doesn't know how he'll be able to live without Taeil. Time zones will be different, it'll be hard to schedule calls all the time. He doesn't know what his work schedule would be like.

But Jiho was more focused on his career than the trivial things like being in different time zones. That same night he gave his answer with only a few hours of thinking about it. He was sure that if he and Taeil loved each other than they would try and be together no matter what.

So he said yes.

He had no idea how to tell Taeil though, and every-time he thought about it he felt guilty for having said yes without even consulting his boyfriend. At that moment he was a little selfish, but how could he not be? It's the chance of a lifetime! Slowly, days went by, and the time of Jiho's departure was getting closer and closer and closer.

Jiho found himself at a bar drinking away his thoughts. He didn't want to think about it, especially since he was going to be leaving in approximately 3 weeks and he didn't even know how he was going to tell Taeil yet. And then he found Kyung, listlessly drinking away too and Jiho found comfort in telling him what was in his mind—in more ways than one.

"Taeil—I promise I was going to tell you," Jiho says.

"The day you would leave? Jiho, I'm not even mad about that. What hurts the most is that I would've supported you with my whole heart. All you had to do was tell me. Yet you didn't,"

"I was too focused on trying to tell you what I did that it wasn't even on my mind at the time," Jiho says, wincing at how it sounds more like an excuse than the truth.

"Taeil im-"

"I heard you Jiho," Taeil says with finality in his voice. "I heard you."

**JIHO; GONE**

Three years is a crazy long amount of time. Jiho was away from friends and family for so long, so why didn't he tell them that he came home? Easy, because there was only one person that mattered the most out of all of them, one person he really, really missed while he was away. 

Taeil.

Sure, Jiho had fun building up his career in such a short amount of time. Partying was fun, drinking was fun. He was proud of the people who he became friends with, those that were on his team. The people he turned to when he couldn't get that one lyric right, or to listen to him when he droned on and on about that one person he couldn't rid from his mind. They were there to listen to him, force him to stop drinking when he was too drunk. He liked the experiences he got from living there, but in the back of his mind, there was always Taeil.

The first year he was away was the hardest. He called Taeil every day, texted him every day, cried over him every day. But as he spoke to his friends back home, they told him to give Taeil space because that's "what he wants". So he listened and backed off, he focused on his career and soon enough, got himself to where he is today. But now that he's home, Taeil would be the first person that Jiho sees. He's hoping that time was enough to heal some of Taeil's wounds because it healed Jiho's. 

Of course, there were lingering thoughts about Taeil having moved on. He probably did. 3 years is a long time, but Jiho couldn't. He didn't want to anyway. He's holding onto this very slim, sliver of hope that Taeil is still single because....wouldn't his friends say something if he wasn't?

Jiho pulls his phone from out of his bag and jumps onto the big pillowy white comforter of the hotel bed. He scrolls through his contacts and calls Kyung. He figures if any of them were with Taeil, it would be him. 

"Hello?!"

"Where are you?" Jiho asks, wasting no time and getting straight to the point. Although, he has some sort of idea if the pulsing music and how loud Kyung is speaking is anything to go by. 

"Clubbing!" He answers, making Jiho pull the phone away from his ear. "Isn't it early morning over there or something? What's going on?"

"Where are you and who are you with?" Jiho asks, sitting up and putting his shoes back on. He prays that Kyung is with Taeil.

"I'm at your favorite club...I don't really remember the name I'm kinda tipsy," Kyung giggles as he shouts through the phone. Jiho grabs his wallet and keys for the rental car he borrowed. "I'm with a few friends you don't know...Taeil...are you calling to check up on me Jiho?"Kyung asks as the music seems to fade. "That's very sweet of you but I think you should be sleeping," Kyung says, the background finally quiet. 

"I'll be fine, don't worry," Jiho says, "See you later!" he hangs up, laughing at Kyung's spluttering through the phone. 

Jiho doesn't know how to feel. After all these years he was going to meet Taeil at the place he first saw him. He's excited, his hands feel clammy as he drives and he can't seem to control the butterflies swarming in his stomach. He can't get his hopes too high up because there's still a chance that Taeil has a special someone. Jiho feels this sense of possessiveness at the thought, but it quickly dissipates when he realizes that he has no right to feel possessive or jealous of Taeil. Not after what he did. 

The club is not too far from the hotel, so Jiho gets there fairly quickly as much as he doesn't like that. He's too giddy, too emotional. He can't believe his plan has been working so far. 

"Oh? You're Zico?" The bouncer exclaims, looking at Jiho's ID and then back at his face.

"Yes, I am..." He says shyly, not getting used to his newfound fame. The bouncer hands him his ID, and Jiho tries to ignoring the whispers and flashing of lights as he walks into the club. He should've come with some sunglasses and a mask or something- anything that would've prohibited him from getting too much attention. But that's what idol life is about. People will always have their eyes on you, all attention will be on you at all times and maybe it's because Jiho is a little bit of an attention seeker but he likes it. He can't say he doesn't. 

Jiho trudges in slowly, nodding to the music. Over the shouts of people and the loud bass he recognizes his voice and smiles a bit. He never thought he would hear his song in a club like this. His phone vibrates in his pocket and he smiles at what Kyung texted him:

_~they're playing your song~_

Despite the happiness he gets from them playing his song and Kyung texting him, Jiho cannot get rid of his negative thoughts. Who does he think he is to randomly come back into Taeil's life after what he did? How does he know him coming back will be welcomed? What if this was all in vain and Taeil has someone? What does he do then? To calm himself down Jiho goes to the bar to get himself a couple of shots to calm his budding nerves.

He orders three of them, downs them quickly and then asks for them to be refilled. After six shots and a cup of something sweet, Jiho feels somewhat relaxed. His up-tightness has completely dissipated. Sitting at the bar Jiho begins to look for Taeil. It's been a while so he could've changed a little or a lot. Jiho figures if he finds Kyung, he might be able to find Taeil as the latter hasn't changed one bit since he moved to the States. Jiho walks through the crowd as best he can getting caught up to dance with someone once or twice before he gets to another door where there are some more bouncers. He gets in with barely a hassle and Jiho wonders if they're just for show or something.

It takes Jiho only 5 seconds before he sees Kyung, looking bored as he sips on a glass of wine. Jiho scans the room and tables to see if he can recognize Taeil. Nonchalantly, Jiho slides up next to Kyung, patiently waiting for him to notice. The people he's sitting with say nothing, continuing with their conversation. "One of the bouncers say that Zico is here," a girl with long legs and short brown hair says. She's wearing a sparkly blue dress that stops mid-thigh.

"And you believed him?" Another girl scoffs, take a sip of whatever was in her cup.

"He's back in the states," Kyung says tiredly. "He can't be here."

"What if he is?" Jiho says, watching as Kyung stiffens before he turns around, face slack with shock. "Surprise!" He exclaims. The girls who hadn't been paying too much attention to him were looking at him quizzically. 

"Jiho! What the fuck when did you fly in?" Kyung exclaims, hugging his friend. "It's been so long, I've missed you!" 

"I've missed you too!" He smiles, hugging him back. 

"How long are you gonna be here for?" Kyung asks, picking up the bottle in the center of the table and pouring Jiho a glass. 

"Three months, then I'm going back but since my career is somewhat solidified I can come visit now. If I miss Seoul, maybe I'll move back here but...I don't know. Anyways, I didn't come for you. Where's Taeil?"

"At the bar being moody. It brought my mood down too, to be honest, so I had to get away from him. Before you leave, these are some of the friends I came with." Kyung introduces the two girls to Jiho before he politely excuses himself to go sit at the bar next to Taeil. He leaves a seat in-between them as it would be too weird for him to suddenly show up out of nowhere without warning next to him. It also easies his aching heart a bit. He orders a bottle of soju and pours himself a shot before gathering up the courage to speak to Taeil.

It's been three years since the last time Jiho has seen Taeil and smelled his favorite perfume. Three years since Jiho has last held him, kissed him, got to be able to touch him. Only three years. It's crazy to think they had been together for so long and something like that could make everything fall apart so quickly.

Jiho misses those sleepless nights where they would both wake up and talk until early morning about everything and anything and all the things in between. He misses how Taeil would wake him up with sweet butterfly kisses to his cheeks and nose and face. When he'd open his eyes Taeil would be looking at him with a bright smile, and kiss him gently without any qualms about morning breath before asking him about how he slept and if he had any dreams.

He misses the little nose scrunch Taeil did when he thought something was disgusting, or cute, or disgustingly cute.

He misses when Taeil would loop their pinkies together whenever he could because they had made so many promises to always love each other.

Most of all Jiho had missed Taeil. And here he was, in all his glory right in front of him yet JIho can't even speak to him.

"Long time no see huh?" Taeil says, causing Jiho to jump.

"Oh, uh, yes." He says awkwardly, watching Taeil look up from his cup to look at him. Jiho swears his heart skips a beat. Taeil's hair is cut shorter and dyed blonde, his lips as red as ever. He's wearing this red and black ensemble that accentuates his hair. He's wearing his favorite accessories; his glasses, and it might just be the dark club lighting but Taeil has never looked so sinful before. 

"You look good," Taeil says, raking his eyes over Jiho in a once over, 

"You look good too!" He stutters, tongue stumbling over the words. There's a long pregnant silence, and Jiho completely shuts Taeil out as he tries to figure out what to say next. He feels a hand on his shoulder, looks up to see Taeil looking at him sideways.

"I said how do you like America? Is it how you dreamed of? Your career skyrocketed. I'm proud of you," Taeil says, making something resonate inside Jiho's heart.

"Why are you being so nice to me? After what I did...I expected you to atleast still be mad at me or not want to talk to me anymore..." Jiho says, completely ignoring Taeil's question. He feels as if Taeil doesn't care. Not as much as Jiho wishes he did.

"It's been three years Jiho. If I forgave Kyung why can't I forgive you?"

"Because--"

"Yes, You hurt me deeply but so did Kyung. Do you think whatever you did is enough to make me never be able to forgive you again? I thought about it a lot that night when you left Jiho. I was reminded of it every time you called. I was reminded every time I looked at Kyung because I could only see you and Kyung and what you guys did. But I had to get over it. I had to because ultimately Kyung is my friend and I think people should be forgiven." Taeil explains, cracking his knuckles as he speaks. The whole time he rarely looks at Jiho, except at the last sentence. He flicks his eyes up at Jiho and then smiles. 

"Do you not think you should be forgiven?" 

"I'm sorry," Jiho says. 

"I heard you," Taeil replies.

[][][][][]

"Why'd you come back?" Taeil says after a while of silence and listening to Jiho's ragged breathing become even.

"For you," Jiho says truthfully. Taeil turns to look at him, sits up on his elbow and stares at Jiho as if he had grown a second head. He looks like he doesn't believe Jiho, but it's the truth. The minute Jiho was sent back home for a break, he couldn't wait to see Taeil. He was on his mind all the time and you would've thought the distance between them would've done something. But it didn't. 

"Taeil I never stopped thinking about you,"

"You stopped calling,"

"Kyung told me to give you space. You never responded anyways." Jiho says, rolling over onto his side to look at Taeil better. Taeil's hair is messy, even messier when he runs his hand through it. Jiho doesn't realize what he's doing before he's doing it. His hand reaches out to cup Taeil's cheek, rub the skin just barely underneath his eye. It's slightly intimate, with Taeil staring at Jiho deeply, but it's not like what they had just done wasn't worse.

"It reminded me of you--not like I could forget you but still. Being in this house we bought together all by myself was lonely you know? And I had to sleep in this giant bed we used to sleep in together all comfortably all by myself because you were gone." Taeil says. He blinks profusely, his glossy eyes letting a tear slip down his cheeks. "Why?" Taeil asks, trying his hardest not to bawl. "I know you had to leave but I really wished you stayed Jiho. Three years is a long time for someone to be alone like this," he sniffles, wiping his tears away with the palm of his hand. It makes Jiho's own eyes swell, and they become foggy with tears.

"Even after what I did?"

"You should've run after me or something! You didn't do shit except let me leave and when I came back all your clothes were gone, your toothbrush, y-your things. But you left the pictures... of me and you together and all the t-things I gave you were in a n-neat pile on the bed..." Taeil takes a minute to recuperate and Jiho says nothing. He listens to Taeil's harsh breathing, desperately wanting to grab Taeil and hold him close but it seems as if he's been hiding his feelings for all these years and Jiho never got to hear Taeil's side of things. Right now was his chance and he wasn't going to ruin it by this desperate need to hold him close and never let go.

"...they were on the bed in a neat pile and I ended up going through everything. You left the key on the table and...W-we threw away a four-year relationship Jiho over something so petty." Taeil wails, a heartbroken sound Jiho prays he doesn't have to hear something like that ever again."I really hate you Jiho, and I hate you even now that your home, in our house, lying down in our bed with me." Jiho snakes his arm around Taeil's waist and pulls him close. Taeil is stiff for a while, and it's like as if there was a dam holding back all his tears and sad emotions that just broke the second he wrapped his arms around Jiho. Taeil cries for what seems like forever, wetting Jiho's collarbones with tears. He doesn't care though, squeezing his ex-boyfriend tightly. 

They lie like that for awhile wrapped in each other's arms tightly, crying on each other in the quiet calm of the darkness. 

"Please don't be stupid and do that again dummy," 

"I'm leaving in three months," After a while of silence, "I'm sorry,"

"I heard you,"

[][][][][]

Jiho was meant to leave next week. Over those three months, Jiho had felt as if he was on the pathway to forgiveness. That night however didn’t mean that Taeil would treat him right. He was cold towards Jiho, threw snarky remarks at him here and there. But what Jiho had experienced that night made him believe that Taeil didn't mean it. Slowly, slowly, Jiho eventually coaxed Taeil out of the shell he had hidden in, slowly broke down the walls he kept up whenever Jiho was around. His greatest achievement was when Taeil had invited him to stay the night. he agreed, perhaps too easily because his excitement made Taeil regret his decision.

Jiho was too scared to try anything, too afraid that Taeil might kick him out. So he offered to sleep on the couch but Taeil looked at him as if he was crazy. He pushed himself to the farthest edge of the bed while Taeil was finishing his skincare routine. The way the older hummed in disapproval gave Jiho the image that he was pouting. When he turned around, he found that he was right.

"Jiho, you..." Taeil sighs as he shakes his head and clicks his tongue before he climbs into bed as well. "Hold me," Taeil says once he's comfortable, ears buried under the blanket. Jiho looks at him quizzically, and when Taeil peaks his head out to say it again Jiho instantly wraps his arms around Taeil. He pushes up against him so that his chest touches his back, smiling softly when Taeil relaxes in his hold. They sleep together like that, Jiho holding onto Taeil for the whole night. That night was the gateway to Jiho spending the night with Taeil, every night. He ended up bringing all his stuff from the hotel there as it was too much of a hassle to go back and forth between the two. Jiho didn't mind spending the nights and mornings together, sometimes the whole day. It felt as if it was just like before, the two of them being together and liking each other's presence. 

Tonight was supposed to be another one of their weekly date nights. Tonight, Jiho was going to ask Taeil to be his boyfriend again. He felt that the timing was right. Jiho was going to be going back soon, the days they get to spend together were going by way too fast. So Jiho made reservations at one of Taeil's favorite restaurants, told him to dress up a little and that they would both meet each other there. Jiho booked a hotel for the night and jazzed it up before he got ready to go to the restaurant. The whole time he was beyond nervous, tripping over his feet as he got dressed, getting stuck in his shirt and tripping over the curb and almost landing face-first as he unlocked his car. But it's just because he's in love.

He's so in love with Taeil and spending his three months in Seoul with him were probably the best days of his life. Jiho loved everything Taeil, liked the way he intertwined their pinkies together and kissed them whenever they made promises. Loved how Taeil never changed, was still the same person he met seven years ago. He loved how forgiving Taeil was, how he made him work to gain his forgiveness. He just hoped he had. 

Waiting at the restaurant was probably the worst. Jiho was alone, sipping expensive wine for hours before he got the phone call.

At first, he didn't think much of it, it was just Kyung. Kyung calls him all the time. But when he answered, Kyung was bawling his eyes out and so distraught that Jiho couldn't help but panic on the inside. "Kyung? Are you okay? What's going on please?" Kyung continued to cry through the phone so Jiho pays for the wine and goes outside to hear him better. "Kyung please breathe," Jiho says, trying to relax and calm his friend down through the phone. 

"Jiho?" Kyung says brokenly, causing Jiho's heart to clench tightly. 

"Yes, Kyung I'm here. Where are you? I'll go to you." He says, hopping into his car. "Where's Taeil is he with you? He didn't show up tonight and he never texted me back or anything..." Jiho had hoped that him speaking would fill the silence between him and Kyung, would help calm the other boy but at the mention of Taeil's name he let's out a loud, sharp wail and that was when Jiho knew something was wrong.

"Kyung tell me where you are right now."

"I'm at the hospital," he says, sounding sobered up. "Taeil got into a car accident and since I'm his emergency contact they called but..." Kyung's voice is barely stable, he stutters as he speaks and Jiho can barely make out what he's saying.

"Kyung, stay on the line with me okay I'm coming." Jiho's phone automatically connects to the Bluetooth in his car as he drives and he beings to speak mindlessly to try and calm Kyung down. It helps Jiho stay calm too. Kyung was very incoherent but he heard the words Taeil, and car accident and that was enough to make him worried. His heart races as he rushes to get to the hospital, mind filled with hopes and wishes that Taeil is fine, that he got out with a bruised rib or a broken leg. Hopefully, it was nothing too serious. 

"Kyung I'm at the hospital I'm hanging up now," Kyung says a barely audible "okay," and the minute Jiho walks through the doors he sees him. "What's wrong Kyung what happened?" He asks.

"Taeil's hurt badly," He responds. "He's having surgery right now but the doctors say there might...there might be a chance that he doesn't make it."

Jiho crumbles, falling to the chair next to Kyung with a hard thud. It doesn't hurt him though. He feels numb to pain right now, immune to it. Jiho was having surgery because he got into a car accident. His lover must be in worse pain than he is at the fact that he's hurt. "H-How?" Jiho asks with a trembly voice, trying his hardest not to burst out crying. 

"A drunk driver hit him," Kyung says so emotionlessly. "He died, so they don't think Taeil has much of a chance," Kyung says, eyes cold and empty.

A tear slips past Jiho's eyes, and then another one, and another one. They keep coming, cascading like rivers down his cheeks and he can't control them. Jiho rarely ever thought about death than the "where do we go?" talk he's had with friends at ungodly hours or when he was piss drunk. Death wasn't something Jiho liked to think about; but with Kyung saying taeil might not make it, forces him to think about a world without Taeil. It would be pointless in a way. It would feel as if there was no more sun, no stars, no moon. Jiho would feel as if a part of him was missing that he would never be able to get back.

Jiho would feel as if he had just gotten shot, a gaping bullet wound lodged into his heart.

Jiho would feel as if he couldn't love anymore, the one person who he truly did love ripped away from his hands while at such a young age. 

He covers his eyes with his hands and cries into them. Jiho cries because he's scared because he's sad and because he didn't get to tell Taeil he loved him one more time. He cries because he doesn't know how he'll be able to live without Taeil for real this time. It feels oddly similar to what happened three years ago but this, this is worse. Kyung's hand, which had been rubbing soothing circles on his back stops, and Jiho looks up to see the rest of his friends in the waiting room. They are all in varying degrees of distress, but they look as if they are trying to put on a brave face for Jiho and it's enough for him to smile.

"Are you all here for Tael?" A deep voice asks after a few hours of long antagonizing waiting passed. 

"yes, we are," Kyung says standing up. The doctor removes his mask and behind it is a smile. not a sad, "I'm sorry for your loss smile" a proud, happy, genuine smile.

"Taeil passed the surgery. He's going to be okay. It's just left for his body to regenerate and nurse him back to health," He says, causing Jiho to burst into tears of relief. 

"Thank goodness," Jihoon breathes, squeezing Yukwon's hand tightly as he takes a deep breath of relief.

"I'll allow only one person to stay here and sleep with him the night," The doctor says. Jiho gets up and volunteers himself. No one objects, and he gathers his things before following the doctor into Taeil's room. "He's sedated but he can hear you. He'll wake up in the morning so I encourage you to talk to him." 

"thank you,"

The room is dark, and Jiho sets his things down onto the couch at the side of the bed. He pulls up a chair quietly and grabs a blanket from outside of the closet for himself. He sits down, pulls the blanket over him and reaches over to grab hold of his hand. It's warm, and Jiho likes that. It's another sign of life other than the beeping of the heart monitor.

"Hi taeil," He says shyly, playing with his hands. "You scared us you know? Especially me. I didn't know what I would do without you. You would probably say something like "die" and I think that's right. I would probably die without you. Why be here if you aren't? I know that's a negative thought and I shouldn't be thinking things like that but really, I'm honest." Jiho takes a ragged deep breath, trying to come up with what to say to him next.

"It's awkward because you can't respond to me," Jiho says laughing. "I know you're strong, so make it to the morning okay? You can't leave me okay?" Jiho takes his pinky in his and kisses it, just like Taeil would. He kisses Taeil's forehead, and then his cheek ghosts his lips against his own for what feels like ages before pressing them firmly to Taeil's hand. 

"I love you so much," Jiho says. "I love you," he continues to whisper, putting his head down onto Taeil's bed. 

"I love you to the moon and back and everything. I love you the most, more than anyone in the entire world." Jiho squeezes his hand again, finding comfort in the fact that it's warm...

"I love you," Jiho says before he falls asleep.

[][][][][]

In the morning, Taeil's hand is cold.


End file.
